Happy Happy Birthday.

Today is a special, hard, amazing day!

I found out 5 years ago that I was pregnant with my monster! (I know most people do not remember the date they found out they were expecting....) I do. It is also the day of my dear sweet, amazing heroic big brothers birth! 30 years old. 6 years 1 month and 2 days ago, we lost you. 6 years, 1 month and 2 days we've missed you. Which means 23 years, 10 months and 28 days we got to enjoy this soul. I don't talk about Troy often enough. I don't explain what an impact he has had on my life. I honestly do not think I could explain this info.

Troy was diagnosed with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy at the age of 2. I remember growing up, we were not allowed to treat him differently... I mean, WHY would we, he was absolutely normal in our eyes. He was a brat. He was annoying as all get out. He made fun of me, called me "Nikki the Big Eared Baby". Played way too much video games, watched way too much TV.  Sometimes, his mom would let us come over and spend the night. Then we moved away. We moved to Texas, and Troy and Mande stayed behind in SLC, UT with their mom.  They came for the summers. which was always fun.  He was still walking at this point. Eventually, his mom and step dad moved to Texas, so we got to see him alot more. Every other weekend. I remember dreading the weekends he came, because if C.J. wasnt there, it meant I had to sleep in the living room, or Troy had to sleep in my room so I could help him at night. I remember being upset with my older siblings because they didn't want to do it. So it was me. Thinking back on these times, I would not change it for the world.

Troy had DMD, but that didn't stop him. Our Parents were told that he would not live pass the age of 16. Then a MIRACLE happened. There was a new precedure that could be done!! Troy was going to walk again! Troy was going to be healthy again! What?! He was accepted into this experimental procedure.... it was going to cost $250,000, and was not going to be able to be done in the States... We geared up. We sent thousands of letters. We did a number of garage sales and car washes. We put adds up. The local newspaper did an article. We were half way there and our dreams were shattered. This procedure was doing more harm than good. How can this be?!

Troy Boy didnt let this get him down, he simply made the most of his life. He enjoyed watching our big brother and our sisters cheer at football games. He loved watching the Dallas Stars and the Dallas Cowboys kick butt. (He was made to be a Dallas fan... I mean, Dallas was his middle name).

I remember getting the call no one ever wants to get. I was at work and my phone rang, we weren't allowed to have our phones on the floor... "Pop-o" showed up on my phone... Oh, it's nothing I'll call him back later. Ignore. buzz buzz "I need for you to call me as soon as you can". I still had about an hour left at work, and me and one other person were the only ones left. So, as soon as I logged out of my phone, stopped and talked to my boss for a second, headed out the door, flipped open my phone and dialed his number. "Baby girl,"  the terror in his voice, I instantly knew what it was. I sat down on the bench and could feel the tears building up inside "Troy's gone. He passed away earlier tonight" Why didn't I answer my phone. Why didn't I just excuse myself and walk away. This couldn't be. I didnt get to say good bye. I didnt get to go see him. I was down the street and I didnt even stop by to say Hi to him. Why!? I ran back into my work, luckily my boss, Steven, and another employee were still there. I was bawling. My fiance at the time was about to get off work and called, I couldnt talk... Steven answered my phone for me. "I think you need to come get her. I dont think it's good for her to drive right now." The next few days were a blurr. I remember I had to take a class at work for a promotion, I went. We drove down the airport. picked my dad, grandparents, step-mom and uncle up for the funeral. Went to dinner.

The next day was one of the hardest of my life. Seeing my big brother, my hero, laying there... "STOP LOOKING AT ME!" Suddenly came from his casket. Someone had placed a Stewie doll in there, apparently it talked, but it fitted the moment, it fitted him. He wouldnt want us to sit there and stare at him. HE wouldn't want us to be sad.


Today isn't a day to be sad, today is a day to rejoice and be happy. Happy birthday Big Brother.