Fighting for what?

After fighting with my still-but-almost-ex-husband on my way to work this morning, i came in to see this in my email.  

 

Speak to me God. Speak to me. I just have to trust in you. Start focusing on building the new. 

Monster has a ear infection, inter-ear and ear canal. Plus a nasty cold. Poor baby was NOT feeling good at all this weekend. Friday night the fire alarm went off and he screamed.  Saturday he woke up early (didn't go to bed til midnight, and was up at 645) He was fine, playing with his cousins, doing the garage sale, getting into things. All of the sudden he started screaming that his ear hurt.  He's had a number of ear infections in the past, resulting in 2 sets of ear tubes, adenoids taking out, but he's still getting them... we called Dr. On Demand (which is great, for the most part) got meds for him, i put some OTC ear drops in there and gave him some pain meds.  Around 5 pm, his ear was draining so extremely badly, and he was still screaming in pain, i decided to take him to the urgent care to get it checked out.  Yup, worse infection than i thought. 2 oral scripts, plus special ear drops. Looks like we'll be trying to get into another ENT. Thank God for insurance. But this is what i was fighting with his dad about. Child Support. Medical bills, etc. I've got to let it go. I don't make a whole lot of money, pay between 800-900 a month in daycare expenses, my car, health insurance for both of us, and my car insurance (plus random bills that were put in my name when we were married... that I'm now stuck with...) Luckily, i have my mom. While he's living on off his girlfriend. he doesn't have a car payment, because hey, that is in my name and he left in Oklahoma when he abandoned ship! He has his cell phone bill, that's all he HAS to pay for.  He has been there for two months, and just started looking for a job. (he's been out of work for most of the last year...) But apparently i have no reason or right to be upset.  

But like the quote says, "focus all of your energy, not on the fighting the old" He's never going to change, I have to accept that. Move on. Vent and let it go! "...But on building the new" Monster deserves that. 

On a side note, no church for us tonight. But Grandma has a date. Yay for her!

It's gonna be worth it... ALL!

I started going to Gateway Church in June of last year. I did not go like I should. I would take the kids when they wanted to go, but I didn't put forth the effort I feel like I should have.  I never really talked to a whole lot of people, in fact, I always made it a point to sit by myself, in the same place for almost 4 months.  I took a "How to Stop the Pain" class.  At first, I sat alone! I didn't want to be there. I was angry. I was angry with myself, I was angry with my ex-husband, I was angry with God, I didn't understand why after I tried so hard and did everything I possibly could to save my marriage, it wasn't working. I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough of a wife, but, most of all, I wasn't enough of a believer. I believed in God, I wasn't a believer though. 

During my class, I became friends with S. At first, she, like me, was angry. She didn't want to be there. She stopped me after class one day and we started talking about different things in life. She gave me the number to her lawyer (she's currently going thru a divorce). From there a new friendship blossomed.  She invited me to go to a Superbowl party with her that a group of single parents from the church was putting on.  I was very hesitant to go at first, she was really the only person i spoke to at church.   I decided to go, not only go, but take Monster with me.  Being the new kid (these families get together a lot and 3 of the 4 other boys there were brothers) they didn't want Monster to play with them.  So, being the boy he is (and they were being rude and hitting him too) he hit them. He was trying to get their attention... (no I do not condone hitting, in the least).  I tried confronting the boys, and asking why they weren't including him in any thing. One said, "Well, we've already started this game, he can't play." "He tried to steal our dad's football" (it was on the floor, I'm sure I would have noticed if he tried to take a football home!). "He keeps hitting us." and other things were said.  I asked Monster if he was hitting, and the boys' dad pipes in from the other room.... "He's been hitting them nonstop."  Umm.. Not sure how he saw that, when he wasn't even in the room with them, and i had a clear view of what was going on for 1/2 the time. I said I was sorry and that I didnt realize that he was hitting. I did however say, you were being bullies too. and that wasnt nice. (even the dad was bullyish.) I was hurt, I was hurt that instead of him telling his kids to be nice to the new kid, and let him play, he condoned their behavior. I'm pretty protective of Axel and I don't like him to be hurt by anyone.  So I decided we were going to leave.  I got our coats and Monster's tablet together, and the host of the party talked me into staying. "I'll play with him" (a 40-ish yr old man) "We'll go out front and play football!" and so we stayed. And I'm so Happy we did.  We both built new relationships, It proved that God does do work in amazing people.

Last night was our Single Parent Life at the newer campus.  I wasnt going to go. Southlake is closer to my house, Southlake made me very upset in November, and I've only been back there once.  I'm now volunteering at our NFW campus on Mondays. I think I've found my home.

We are extremely lucky to have amazing worship leaders in our church family. I mean, who wouldn't want to hear Kari Jobe, Rita Springer or Amber Rhodes live every week? (BTW, be jealous, Rita's our worship leader on mondays!) Love her work.

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this

The tact of some

For real. This happened today.
Standing in line for lunch with 2 co-workers. 

Talking about what we were doing yhis weekend. I said I was going on a date with monster.
Coworker: "what is his name?"
Me: Axel
Her: like axel.
Me:yes.
Her:my little cousins name is axel.
Me:oh  yeah it wasn't popular when I namedhim, but now I see it...,"
Her: (cutting me off) yeah, but his is pronounced different spelt tge same but pronounced different. A-cel".
Me: that's
Her: it Spanish.  Axel acel. I oike the Spanish one better!"

All I could do was walk away. She is seriously one of the most tacky people I have ever met.

Colton Brandt

I'm not sure why I feel I need to write about him today.
I, like most of you, never got to meet this sweet boy, but he was one of my good friend's friend's little boys, she watched him over night while his drug-head mother did her thing.
Colton Turner was taken away from his earthly body sometime between July 4 and July 7th. He was hit so hard, it killed him. He was then left on the floor of a hotel room for more hours while his killers tried to figure out what to do with him.  When they got to a spot they were going to bury him, the found the ground too hard, so they took him back to said hotel room and let him sit there, dead, for more hours, until that night. All this time the killer of this precious boy is pregnant, homeless and more than likely on drugs. Fast forward a few months, and no-one had seen Colton, pictures were sent around showing bruises this baby had on his face and back, They were sent to CPS, and CPS did nothing, they "couldn't find" the mother of this little boy. The last time anyone saw Colton, was July 4th. From that point until September, it was said that his mother left him with someone so she and her boyfriend could get on their feet and get him back.  She was gushing about how she was excited to be pregnant again, and how it was a girl... and how her boyfriend was the dad.  All this time, she and her boyfriend, killed colton, buried him in the cold ground and left him there.  HOW can this "mother" be happy to be pregnant and gush about it on Facebook? How can she even think about anything but what she did to her son?  She had options, there were other people who would have taken him. There were other people who loved him like he was their own.  These people had no idea what was going on.  These people are being blamed by people who didnt know Colton, his mother, or anyone else involved for that matter, saying they "didn't do what they should have done to protect colton". This is breaking my heart. One of my friends is involved in all of this. She is the one who went to police after seeing the pictures, and told them something was wrong, told them she hadn't seen him for months. It is because of her they found him. It is because of her that his egg-donor and her boyfriend are in jail. It has been proven that CPS did not do their job in locating and protecting this child. There have been people fired and laws are in the works because of this incident.  I honestly just wish people would back off of my friend. She did everything she could.

Now Megan Work and Michael Turner can rot in jail. Rot in hell for all I care. I'm relieved to hear that the new baby was/is going to be taken as soon as it is born. I'm relieved that she will have someone who will actually love her.

My request for you all is to keep Colton in your prayers. Pray for justice as they were never charged for homicide, and their court dates keep getting postponed. Pray for Brianna for her sanity, and strength thru it all. This whole thing is terribly sad, but knowing she is hurting breaks my heart even more.

Fly High Cowboy!

It's not fair I can not climb that tree!!

"Momma, I want to go up the tree!"
"No, baby, it's too high!"
"But that boy is climbing it. He's way up there! SEE!"
"I said no" (if you know me, you know how accident prone I am, and if you know Monster, you know how he can get hurt walking.)
"But if you just put me up there, it wont be to high."
"I'm not putting you up there, monster!"
-finds my brother-in-law "UNCLE, UNCLE!! Will you put me up the tree?!"
Dookey looks at me and I shake my head no... "You're to little for right now to get up the tree. Go chase Monkey! (the niece)"
As we are going on about our business, all the adults at the party talking, and carrying on... I look over and see Monster has Monk's four wheeler against the tree and is standing on it, the limb is still too high for him to reach. A for effort though little boy... back to adult conversations  A minute later I look over and Monster now has a bucket on top of the four wheeler trying to get the limb! As soon as "BE CAREFUL" came out, he fell.

After the kissing of the boo-boo and making sure he was okay, "Do you see why mommy told you not to do that?"
"Yes, but I can do it when I'm five!"
"Alright... when you're five you can climb that tree. Uncle Dookey will help you!"

(he was happy with that answer, and went to tackle Monkey)

Last night after his football game,  he took a bath, we cleaned up his scratch on his belly from the tree, put a bandage on it, (which he took off an hour later) and snuggled to go to bed.  This morning he wanted to put medicine and a bandage on it.  We're already running late at this point and i didnt want to fight with him, so we put medicine on it, put the bandage on it, and he told me he wanted me to write on the bandage. So I did, "Monster, Mommy love Floyd!"
Get in the car, get gas, a donut, and head to school... "Hi! One day, my mommy told me not to climb the tree, and i did and i got hurt! SEE!"

Great, do I explain who Floyd is? Did they even see it? Crap, I mean, it isn't like it is their business, right? Ugh, don't say anything and just walk out of the classroom... Maybe they will ask Monster who Floyd is, and he'll say "I'm Floyd!"

Ohh, the joys of raising a boy.

Baby Steps

Got to take baby steps to get where we want to go.  Baby steps include getting help.  Last night, was a HUGE step for me... I actually sat down and admitted that not only I, but Monster needed help. Needed someone to talk to. So I have enlisted in the help of a play therapist. Last night was the "parent meeting". Since my mom is currently acting as Monster's other parent, she went with me. We discussed different things happening with our dynamic, why we think things are happening, and what has happened in the past for this to get this way.  Hopefully this will be the best thing for us. I know I am a little nervous, but very excited about this.

Since November, I can count on one hand that Monster has slept in his room, all night long.  Since November, I can count on one hand how many times, he wasn't upset about me leaving him anywhere but daycare (he cried and got upset last night when I went outside with out him). Since November he has stated to me "Jesus is my father, he's my dad, my other dad disappeared".

Over Christmas, Monster went to his auntie's with my mom for the night without me.  When I got there the next day, he ran to me and said "MOMMY YOU CAME BACK!!!" and acted surprised that I was there. This breaks my heart.  My poor baby thinks that since his dad up and left, it means I am going to too.

Any of you have any ideas on how I can get him to sleep in his room?!?! haha.

Thank Sew!

Monster got a late Christmas present last night... (he opened it this morning). He got this from my ex-husband's 1st wife. (Well, she bought, wrapped and shipped it... it was "from" his brothers and sister.)  I honestly feel bad for all 4 of my kiddos, (yes, my kiddos, I was step mom to the older 3 for almost 8 years. They were part of my life for 8 years. I loved them for 8 years.)

My ex-husband's ex-wife and I actually have a better relationship than with him. We want the Beyer kids to know, not only about each other, but want them to have relationships with each other. 

So thank you to my SEW (sister-ex-wife) for the "best lego thing ever!"

Happy Happy Birthday.

Today is a special, hard, amazing day!

I found out 5 years ago that I was pregnant with my monster! (I know most people do not remember the date they found out they were expecting....) I do. It is also the day of my dear sweet, amazing heroic big brothers birth! 30 years old. 6 years 1 month and 2 days ago, we lost you. 6 years, 1 month and 2 days we've missed you. Which means 23 years, 10 months and 28 days we got to enjoy this soul. I don't talk about Troy often enough. I don't explain what an impact he has had on my life. I honestly do not think I could explain this info.

Troy was diagnosed with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy at the age of 2. I remember growing up, we were not allowed to treat him differently... I mean, WHY would we, he was absolutely normal in our eyes. He was a brat. He was annoying as all get out. He made fun of me, called me "Nikki the Big Eared Baby". Played way too much video games, watched way too much TV.  Sometimes, his mom would let us come over and spend the night. Then we moved away. We moved to Texas, and Troy and Mande stayed behind in SLC, UT with their mom.  They came for the summers. which was always fun.  He was still walking at this point. Eventually, his mom and step dad moved to Texas, so we got to see him alot more. Every other weekend. I remember dreading the weekends he came, because if C.J. wasnt there, it meant I had to sleep in the living room, or Troy had to sleep in my room so I could help him at night. I remember being upset with my older siblings because they didn't want to do it. So it was me. Thinking back on these times, I would not change it for the world.

Troy had DMD, but that didn't stop him. Our Parents were told that he would not live pass the age of 16. Then a MIRACLE happened. There was a new precedure that could be done!! Troy was going to walk again! Troy was going to be healthy again! What?! He was accepted into this experimental procedure.... it was going to cost $250,000, and was not going to be able to be done in the States... We geared up. We sent thousands of letters. We did a number of garage sales and car washes. We put adds up. The local newspaper did an article. We were half way there and our dreams were shattered. This procedure was doing more harm than good. How can this be?!

Troy Boy didnt let this get him down, he simply made the most of his life. He enjoyed watching our big brother and our sisters cheer at football games. He loved watching the Dallas Stars and the Dallas Cowboys kick butt. (He was made to be a Dallas fan... I mean, Dallas was his middle name).

I remember getting the call no one ever wants to get. I was at work and my phone rang, we weren't allowed to have our phones on the floor... "Pop-o" showed up on my phone... Oh, it's nothing I'll call him back later. Ignore. buzz buzz "I need for you to call me as soon as you can". I still had about an hour left at work, and me and one other person were the only ones left. So, as soon as I logged out of my phone, stopped and talked to my boss for a second, headed out the door, flipped open my phone and dialed his number. "Baby girl,"  the terror in his voice, I instantly knew what it was. I sat down on the bench and could feel the tears building up inside "Troy's gone. He passed away earlier tonight" Why didn't I answer my phone. Why didn't I just excuse myself and walk away. This couldn't be. I didnt get to say good bye. I didnt get to go see him. I was down the street and I didnt even stop by to say Hi to him. Why!? I ran back into my work, luckily my boss, Steven, and another employee were still there. I was bawling. My fiance at the time was about to get off work and called, I couldnt talk... Steven answered my phone for me. "I think you need to come get her. I dont think it's good for her to drive right now." The next few days were a blurr. I remember I had to take a class at work for a promotion, I went. We drove down the airport. picked my dad, grandparents, step-mom and uncle up for the funeral. Went to dinner.

The next day was one of the hardest of my life. Seeing my big brother, my hero, laying there... "STOP LOOKING AT ME!" Suddenly came from his casket. Someone had placed a Stewie doll in there, apparently it talked, but it fitted the moment, it fitted him. He wouldnt want us to sit there and stare at him. HE wouldn't want us to be sad.


Today isn't a day to be sad, today is a day to rejoice and be happy. Happy birthday Big Brother.