I was talking to a friend yesterday about the big d... and why it was happening and what happened in my relationship to make me decide that it was time to let go. Well, it really got me thinking. During the EIGHT years I've known my not-soon-enough-to-be-ex husband, he wasn't ALWAYS a complete jerk. We got to talking about why i was leaving and what happened in the year leading up to me leaving. I was asked, were you ever abused?
I can honestly say, physically, no. Mentally, I believe a bit. "Well, it's your choice to live like that." Well, when you're young and a guy tells you everything you want to hear, or think you need to hear at that time and they get you believing everything they say, you do. You believe EVERY. WORD.
At first it was, "You're beautiful." , "You are perfect" , "You're one of the best things to happen to me" as the years went by, those got further and far between and it became, "you've let yourself go" , "it isn't good sleeping with you, because you're too skinny" , "you've gained alot of weight" "you just arent the girl i married" "no one will ever love you, if you leave" "You think anyone will put up with your crazy ass, you're funny."
"You know it isnt true, so why did you believe any of it?" I loved him. I thought he loved me. I thought all couples fought and said things they didn't mean... right? "The girl you're talking about isnt the Nikki I know. You're tough and don't take crap from people!" You're right. NOW. It took me 3 years to stick up for myself and become this person. I'm guarded and protected now....
Before I met my ex, I was so outgoing, and chill, and relaxed. I loved going and hanging out with my friends, i could joke around about silly things. While I was with my ex- all we ever did was sit at home. We hardly ever went out and did things together. We Never went anywhere alone, like on a date... i cant tell you the last time we went on a date.... maybe the day he proposed... Not that this matters anymore anyway. I always walked on eggshells, because if he got mad, he wouldnt speak to me for days at a time. He would go weeks without telling me he loved me. If I did or said anything to upset him, I knew I would be more of a house mate that slept in the same bed than anything else. I kept alot of things bottled up inside, and God forbid me talk to my family. My family and my husband didnt get along, I stuck by my husbands side... I stayed with him after things that happened with my family that SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. That's what you're supposed to do right. You start a family and you stick with it? You get married and have a child, so you dont split that family up no matter what right? Until, one day, it is just too much and it is affecting the family you don't want to split... isn't it better for EVERYONE to be happy and apart rather than miserable and together?
You are perfect! <3
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