Maybe I'm just emotional...

I was talking to a friend yesterday about the big d... and why it was happening and what happened in my relationship to make me decide that it was time to let go.  Well, it really got me thinking.  During the EIGHT years I've known my not-soon-enough-to-be-ex husband, he wasn't ALWAYS a complete jerk. We got to talking about why i was leaving and what happened in the year leading up to me leaving. I was asked, were you ever abused? 
I can honestly say, physically, no. Mentally, I believe a bit. "Well, it's your choice to live like that." Well, when you're young and a guy tells you everything you want to hear, or think you need to hear at that time and they get you believing everything they say, you do. You believe EVERY. WORD. 
At first it was, "You're beautiful." , "You are perfect" , "You're one of the best things to happen to me" as the years went by, those got further and far between and it became, "you've let yourself go" , "it isn't good sleeping with you, because you're too skinny" , "you've gained alot of weight" "you just arent the girl i married" "no one will ever love you, if you leave" "You think anyone will put up with your crazy ass, you're funny." 

"You know it isnt true, so why did you believe any of it?" I loved him. I thought he loved me. I thought all couples fought and said things they didn't mean... right?  "The girl you're talking about isnt the Nikki I know. You're tough and don't take crap from people!" You're right. NOW. It took me 3 years to stick up for myself and become this person. I'm guarded and protected now....

Before I met my ex, I was so outgoing, and chill, and relaxed. I loved going and hanging out with my friends, i could joke around about silly things. While I was with my ex- all we ever did was sit at home. We hardly ever went out and did things together. We Never went anywhere alone, like on a date... i cant tell you the last time we went on a date.... maybe the day he proposed... Not that this matters anymore anyway. I always walked on eggshells, because if he got mad, he wouldnt speak to me for days at a time. He would go weeks without telling me he loved me. If I did or said anything to upset him, I knew I would be more of a house mate that slept in the same bed than anything else. I kept alot of things bottled up inside, and God forbid me talk to my family.  My family and my husband didnt get along, I stuck by my husbands side... I stayed with him after things that happened with my family that SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. That's what you're supposed to do right. You start a family and you stick with it? You get married and have a child, so you dont split that family up no matter what right? Until, one day, it is just too much and it is affecting the family you don't want to split... isn't it better for EVERYONE to be happy and apart rather than miserable and together?

Must be doin' something right

Some times I sit back and think to myself. "Mannn... I created a monster!" and then the "Mommy I have to protect you. I'm the man of the house" and the "Mom, you know what? God is my father. I love him" moments happen.

My very best friend in the whole wide world inspired this post. She wrote about my so sweet-sweetness. I honestly do not know how I got so lucky, or why God choose to put her and a select few in my life. I'm so very thankful.

When I picked Monster up from daycare yesterday, I got pulled to the side... "I'm going to need you to sign this!" My heart dropped and my face got beat red... I already knew Monster was going to be in trouble. "What did you do, Mister?" Ms. J jumped in and said..."He is actually the one who got hit and marks were left... he did however try to hard to have G play with him." relieved that it wasn't Monster who did the hitting, "Hey... what were you doing when G hit you?" Puzzled he looked at me and said, "Well, we were supposed to be cleaning up, and G didnt want to, so I was just trying to help him!" My first thought was 'well you never want to clean at home'... So we talked about what we do when friends hit us, or are mean to us. And he'll tell me "mom, remember, we tell the teacher!"

On our way home, we talked about how it's Aaahdeeah's birthday today. He said he wanted to make her cookies. I asked him to tell me about her... "Well she's brown. and nice!"... 'umm, what else?'... "she's tall like a giant... and she's pretty and my girlfriend!" I had to share this story with her mom, whom i work with.

(He also mentioned something about Kissing someone!)

I'm so proud of who this little man is becoming, (Not because he has a 'girlfriend' who is 10 years older than him, or the fact he remembers to tell the teacher when a friend hits him!) I am proud of who he is becoming, despite the fact he says his dad disappeared ... despite the fact that that statement is true. He wants to be a gentleman. He will hold the door open for ANYONE. He tells me that he has to protect me from the monsters. He might have stinky feet, and might be messy (and he may or may not have gotten that trait from me...)

4 year old conversations

Monster and I have the most random, awesome, amusing conversations. He has them with everyone!!! 

I've started a list, and I am sure you can use a laugh!!!

Monster: What's my name?
....
A... X.... E.... L
Me: Good Job! Now what's your last name?
Monster: Giles, but i have another last name, but i like Giles. 
Me: Ohhh? Me too!

Monster: Mommy, whats your name?
Me: Mommy... 
Monster: No, you're other name?
Me: Nikki?
Monster: Yes. That's right. Good job Mommy!! Now, whats your last name?
Me: Giles?
Monster: No your other last name!
Me: Um...?
Monster: You know mommy, the one that starts with a "buh" (sounding out b)
Me: Beyer?
Monster: Yes mommy. Good Job!
Me: But that's not my last name anymore!
Monster: Mommy, you know what?
Me: What?
Monster: My father is Jesus. 
Me: You're right!
Monster: But what is his last name?

Monster has a crush... Her name is Hadiyah... she's 14!! (a friend's daughter). HE LOVES HER!! 
We were driving to family pictures a couple of weeks ago, after he first met her. this is the convo we had..
Me: So, I hear you were giving away my snuggles last night... 
Monster: um.. i think YEP!
Me: You're not supposed to snuggle with anyone but mommy... Maybe Grandma... I'll let you snuggle with her. 
Monster: But I was 'nuggling with Ahdeeah!
Me: But... why?
Monster: Because I like her! 
Me: Ohhhh?
Monster: Yeah... I'm going to pick something special to give her for Christmas!

-Ohh brother... fast forward a week (this past weekend)

Dinner at a friends house- adults were playing a game and the kids were watching a movie. Monster and Hadiyah were snuggling watching Toy Story... and apparently he got hot:

M: I'm hot, so I'm going to take off my shirt 
H: Ok. 
-struggling to get it off because he's laying down
H: Maybe if you sat up, you'd be able to get it off better. 
M: -sits up, takes off shirt- You were right. good job. 
-silence for a minute
M: You can take yours off too, if you want. 
H: Um.. That's ok, I am good... 

M: I know some realllllllllly bad words, you want to know them!?
H: Sure... 
M: Okay, they're bad.
H: Ok!
M: Stupid, retard, and SERIOUS! (I don't like when he calls people stupid, i don't let him call people retard/retarded, and I don't know why SERIOUS is bad.)
H: ohhhh.
M: Yeah, Serious is the baddest one!

This is just a couple to help you get thru your Tuesday!!